Scars
by Kare Uta
Summary: Kai's diary filled with all his thoughts and emotions that he has never dared tell anyone about. Angst. Please R
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Ok this is mainly a diary and will later be updated and will include songs that can be related to. I came up with the idea to this fic because I was helping a friend out with some problems. He just suddenly broke down and has been depressed for a long time now so when I found his diary I knew that all his emotions fit perfectly with Kai so I thought I should change things around a bit and post it as a fic. So I hope you enjoy it.

Note: There is mentioning of an OC, Usagi (her profile is in my profile), self-harm, angst etc. This fic can get extremely dark at times so please don't say I didn't warn you.

**Scars  
**  
**_10th November:  
_**I want to cry, to actually feel hot tears trickle down my cheeks and let my tongue taste such saltiness which nobody would ever know. I need to touch my own inner emotions, to know who I am, to define Kai myself, and not be placed down by other people's judgments and expectations. No doubt I am a strong person, but at the very least of a person, I am enabled to have weaknesses and to feel them and confess them in the cold cellars of my own private world.

**_11th November:  
_**I feel so alone. So scared. So angry. So hurt. I find myself crying most of the night till I fall asleep. Tear upon tear, sliding down my face. I can't stop them, no matter how hard I try. Biting down on my fist to stop myself from making any noise, so maybe my sister won't hear me this time. She once heard me, she came and I had a fever and she stayed with me most of the night but after that she never noticed anything was wrong, after that I was extra careful not to let her hear me. No one hears me cry anymore and they never will. I cannot let them know. They can't see how weak I truly am. This is my problem not theirs and I must learn to deal with it on my own.

**_12th November:  
_**About a year ago I pitied people who cut themselves. I felt sorry for them. Because they felt that they needed to scar themselves. Make themselves bleed to let out what they are feeling and make themselves feel better about themselves. But now I'm one of them, I can't help it, it's not like I want to do it...but sometimes it's all I can do.

I wear gloves constantly. Plain, black, gloves, I wear them to hide the scars. The thin white lines trailing in all directions on my hands and fingers. A constant reminder of all I've been through and still must go through.

It's not only scars they hide though. Sometimes there are new cuts. Red lines etched into my pale skin, some still bleed though others are slowly healing. But now I leave them as scars and prefer not to cut my skin further, I finally see that it does no good to me. It just gives something for people to talk about. People just want to find a reason to talk badly about other people and they'll find a lot to say about me whether I cut or not.

**_14th November:  
_**School works been catching up to me and I haven't had time to do anything these days. School work's a mess and my emotions are no better. I can't seem to keep up with everything, my sister says I should just relax and slow down on all the school work but I just can't. I've been up late for the past few nights working on all these damn projects I keep getting. I'm not even getting enough sleep but right now I don't care, I'll get rid of all this God damned projects then maybe things will get better and maybe I could get at least one good night's sleep, not that that happens very often but you can never be too sure.

**_15th November:  
_**Usagi finally noticed my lack of sleep and kept me home from school this morning, telling me that my rest was far more important then seven hours of school work and running from class to class. I'm sort of enjoying staying home this morning but I'm finding it hard to get any sleep, though Usagi's been checking on me every hour. For now, I'm just lying in bed waiting to hopefully fall asleep but I can't, no matter how hard I try. Well I'll just hope I sleep soon.

**_17th November:  
_**Just when you think things can't get worse, they actually do. I haven't been able to sleep a wink for the past few nights and it finally caught up with me while I was talking to Usagi. I passed out from exhaustion during a conversation and when she called the doctor he had pointed out that it was from lack of sleep. Saying Usagi was upset would be a lie, she was beyond upset, her worry always got the best of her in the end though so she kept lecturing on how I should have told her if something was bothering me and that I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to tell her, I just stormed off and locked myself up in my room. I'm constantly hearing her stop in front of my door, she knows I'm upset and can't seem to bring herself to knock and talk to me again.

I don't know why this keeps happening to me, it's like I know how much she's trying to help me but I keep pushing her away when I know I need her help. Last time I needed her help, she managed to help me so much but since then I shut her away. It's like the more I know I need her the more I push her away from me. If only, I could convince myself that she's only going to help me then maybe I'll let her closer to me but somehow it doesn't let me. Something is holding me back, from trusting, from caring, from letting people help me, I'll never be happy till I find out what is holding me back and stop it from ruining my life.

**A/N:** Please review. I know it sucked but it was just the first chapter so please have mercy. Future chapters might have a little more angst in them. Also, this fic is not my main priority so will only be updated when I'm bored and find the rest of my friend's journal to inspire me. I'll try to update as soon as I can, the more reviews I get the quicker I'll update. Please review, even if the review is bad but please tell me what you think. Bye for now!


	2. Chapter 2

**_20th November_**

I've avoided Usagi for the past two days but now I think I need her help the most. I can't just go up to her and ask her for her help. Things are getting worse, people are just leaving me behind, school work is getting out of control, exams are coming up and I suddenly can't take all the pressure.

Things just aren't easy. They saythat you should try your hardest and it doesn't matter what you getbut if I do badly then it's no good. It's just really stressful that's all. People say that you should always study but sometimes all the studying could suddenly turn a person crazy. It's just that everyone sees me as someone strong but there is only so much a person can take. It's like there are times that I feel I want to just drop dead and that by studying 24/7 I'm wasting my life away. I know I'm not one to go and have a nice chat with my sister or go out for a drink with friends but I'd rather do any of that then spend my night studying till I fall asleep on my books.

**_21st November_**

It's like I just don't know when to stop. I'm not too surprised though, people have been telling me that for ages now. But they're right. I don't know when to give up onanything. I dont know how to giveup or let go. I never managed to let go of my parents after their deaths and when I set my mind to something I'm not going to stop until I'm the best at itor till I've accomplished what I needed to do no matter the consequences in the end.

I just don't know when to give up which is stupid seeing as how much I want to give up on life. Whoever said life is too short is one dead man and must have never taken alook at my life before saying that. Life is the longest shit I've ever had to go through. Life is...life. Plain and simple.Life's a heartbreak, life is pain and suffering. Life is wanting to be with someone but never finding the right person to be with. Life is filled with disappointments. I should know all this afterall I've been through it.

**_22st November_**

How does Usagi always know? How? I know that girl has a hint of the supernatural in her but how does she always know? Today after school while I was on my way up to my room she stopped me. By the tone of her voice I already knew that something was wrong. She told me to sit down which I did, she sat opposite me and asked me how things with school where going. I already knew I was in deep shit and just wished the ground beneath me would just open up and swallow me whole. Suddenly she came onto the part of the conversation about me working to hard and it was weird, I didn't even know how to answer her. Suddenly shelooked at me rather strangely and asked methemost weirdest of questions, "are you even breathing?" and that little rat wasright. I wasnt breathing while she was talking to me.

It's like I just...froze. I couldn't say anything. So when Idon't know what to do I do what Ialways do, I run away. Ok so this time it wasn't exactly running it was more like...walking really fast. I couldn't asnwer her, hell, I didn't even _know _how to answer her. Now I guess I need to make things upas Igo along. I can't ignore her all day, as much as I'd liketo, I can't. So I'll see how this turns out.

**_23rd November_**

Usually I'd say I would never give up but how can I defeat the girl that took all my books? Things are ok with Usagi for now. She isn't treating me too harshly after not telling her some things. She's telling me to lay off the books for a while which I am and I can't help nbut feel...good. At least now I have more time to do other things. It's good to have someone that can stop you from working to hard. I mean she even managed to convince me to give the team the day off a couple of times. I have no clue how she does it but in a way...I'm glad she does otherwise I'd be far worse then how I am now.

I can't say that Usagi never helped me, quite opposite actually. She's helped me more then anyone else ever has before. It's like...the more I try to hide from the world, the more she notices it and tries to help. It's a good thing...I should remember to thank her someday, someday soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**27th November**

I decided to try to slow down on all of this, besides at least after exams I'll be free from school and all this work so I guess I can take it easy then. Things are looking up a little, I mean I still have time to practice and I still have time for work and rest so I suppose things are better.

**28th November**

Usagi offered to take me out for the day, trying to get me to do something a little more fun then what she titles, 'boring.' I'm not too sure but I might just take her up on the offer, I haven't decided yet though. It would be ok I guess, it's not like she's going to take me somewhere I hate. She just wants me to go out somewhere with a little company that wont annoy me.

She knows I've been pressured too much lately so I know she isn't going to make me do stuff I don't want to. So I think I'll go, still not sure. I just haven't felt like going out much lately, even if it's doing something I actually enjoy, I just don't feel like.

**29th November**

So I had finally decided to go out with Usagi. It was ok I suppose, we just went for a walk and then went for a drink. You know, you don't really know what you've got till it's gone. I actually enjoyed my day with her, I don't know why since all we did was talk a little, well, rather she talked and I listened and answered where needed but I enjoyed it. It was fun cause at least she wasn't the type that took me to places I hated, she knew what I didn't like and made it a point to adjust to that little knowledge.

When we got home I came up to my room just to lie down and do…well nothing actually, I just thought about the day and how it could have been if I didn't go out with her. Finally I had come to the conclusion that my day _would_ have been boring if I hadn't gone out. Well later on, I went downstairs again, seeing Usagi crying on the sofa. I was confused when she replied that nothing was wrong. Why do woman just break down and cry for no reason? Well I found out it was the effect of some movie she was watching on TV. She told me to sit down and watch it with her, I decided not to and went to the kitchen for something to eat and was about to go back upstairs when I looked over at Usagi. She looked really lonely; I thought _I _was certainly not doing anything important so I decided to stay after all.

A strange action of mine I know but I thought…that if something ever happened to her that I would regret not spending more time with her. Besides, she had saved me from being boring all day so I thought I kind of owed her a little.

**30th November **

Well, it's already 8:30pm here and I've been studying all day for my exam tomorrow, I still can't believe I studied that long. Well Usagi once again stepped in and asked me to take a break from all the work and I've never felt so happy to listen to her. I wasn't sure what to do with the free time I had but decided to rest a little, since I spent most of the night watching the movie before falling asleep on the sofa in a very uncomfortable position.

I woke up this morning at four, finding that the TV had been turned off and that Usagi was gone. I walked into the kitchen to see if she was there and to see if I could have a good breakfast for once in these past couple of months. I found a note saying she had to go to work for a while, so I was all alone again. It's like when I finally accept getting close to someone, there is some sort of reason that they're gone when I want them around. So after that I spent the day studying till she finally came home at five and told me to stop for a while.

So I guess I have to stop writing again, dinner is ready seeing as I can smell the food from up here.

**5th December**

So I've spent my last few days working my ass off with all the shit from school. Soon is over in about a week which means I can burn my books once this is all over. I haven't had much time to catch up on my writing lately but at least I have these few minutes now, but there is nothing much to say apart from the fact that I've been studying all week and staring at the same examination room walls for about two hours which couldn't be more boring.

Also I cut my hand a little. I didn't mean for it to happen…much. I had dropped a glass onto the floor and it broke, I accidentally cut my hand while picking it up and felt how I always felt when I gave myself that little bit of pleasure, seeing the blood spilling out of the open cut. So I continued a little, cutting my palm open with the glass more. The cuts weren't deep, not at all, just enough to draw blood. I cleaned up the glass and went to my room again, leaving the cut open for a while before cleaning it up. So nothing much happened, it was just one of those weeks where it was just plain boring.

**20th December**

School is finally over but now I have another problem as usual. Christmas shopping. I wouldn't usually do it but this year I have…friends and family so it only seems right. I'll get right on the shopping problem after I go burn my books. People think I wont actually do it but Usagi isn't using the cooker yet so if they want to see if it's true or not they'll know when Usagi tells them cause she can be a witness.

Now that school is over I have much more time on my hands but I don't know what to do with it all. Time is a dangerous thing, especially when wasted or in the wrong hands. So what to do all this time? I have no idea but maybe I'll get some peace and quiet. Maybe I could disappear for a while, away from problems and away from everything I'm used to. It would be a good change, for a while at least.


	4. Chapter 4 By Myself

Hello everyone, here's next chapter! I hope you enjoy it. The song in this chapter is 'By Myself' by Linkin Park.

_**Song lyrics (not written down)**_

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of the sort, just my OC and the plot.

**_1st January_**

_So today was new years day. Kind of felt better than most, this year I actually had friends and family to go out with instead of sitting at home dreading another year of pain and misery. I can't assure that the year won't be like that but at least the day was, dare I say it…fun. But yeah I mean at least I spent it out with the team and for once it wasn't training. _

_Well my day was ok but I kind of feel bad now, Usagi spent most of the say at work, so I felt bad she wasn't around. Then again I guess I can't have it all, I just wish she was around though, makes the day better for me. It was a full day, mainly we went out to eat lunch then I was dragged to a park the others wanted to go to, not my ideal day but it was something I enjoyed. _

_Tomorrow morning I plan on talking to Usagi, maybe I can get some help from her. Or just talk. I want to talk to her, she's helped me these last few weeks at least to the extent that I didn't have to talk to her too much about problems, the least I could do is ask her what happened today. As far as I know she hasn't come back home from work yet so I'm rather…worried. Well its 3am and I'm exhausted after today._

**_5th January _**

_I really don't know how I can keep up with all of this. I can't seem to ignore all the voices, the dreams, the pain. I can't stop it, I can't ignore it and I can't make it better so what can I do? I can't let it go on screwing up my life so what can I do? Can I possibly bring myself to hide my pride to ask someone for help? Even Usagi. I can't seem to bring myself to ask her for help with all this stress. _

_I don't even know how it all started up again; I don't know what I could have possibly done or what could have happened for me to feel all this pain again. I can't hold on anymore, not when I have to deal with it all by myself. Who goes through all this and manages to deal with it all, who? Certainly not me! I look the strongest out of the whole team but I cant handle all this, I make every right move, try to avoid the very taste of pain yet when it comes to dealing with my emotions I just cant, I'm broken on the inside._

_I can't not get help, I'll crack under all the pressure but I don't even know how it all started, and what is it that caused all this to start up again? Why can't I just have happiness for once in my life and just forget about all my past ever did to me? Cos I'm not allowed to be happy, that's why! _

_**What do I do to ignore them behind me?  
Do I follow my instincts blindly?  
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?  
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?  
Do I sit here and try to stand it?  
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?  
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,  
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?  
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin  
I make the right moves but I'm lost within  
I put on my daily facade but then  
I just end up getting hurt again  
By myself myself**_

x2  
I ask why, but in my mind  
I find I can't rely on myself

Chorus:  
I can't hold on  
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on  
To anything watching everything spin  
With thoughts of failure sinking in

I cant keep this up anymore! I can't go on by myself. If I let it all go on than I'll have nothing, no life cause it would be screwed up. I'd have nothing. I don't have much now so things would be worse off later. I just don't know how to deal right now; it's just too much to take in. I don't want to let this go on, suicide isn't an option but I don't want to continue living my life with horrible memories and sleepless nights. I just can't go through all that again. 

**_If I  
Turn my back I'm defenceless  
And to go blindly seems senseless  
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll  
Take from me 'till everything is gone  
If I let them go I'll be outdone  
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun  
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer  
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer  
by myself myself_**

x2  
I ask why, but in my mind  
I find I can't rely on myself

Chorus  


_Back when I was with my grandfather he used to blame me and beat me for not doing something right, spur of the moment when I'd have to make a quick decision, but how could I ever make my own decisions when the only thing I ever knew was taking orders? How could I come to my own decisions after living like that for so long? _

**_How do you think I've lost so much  
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch  
How do you expect... I will know what to do  
When all I know Is what you tell me to_**

x2  
Don't you know  
I can't tell you how to make it go  
No matter what I do, how hard I try  
I can't seem to convince myself why  
I'm stuck on the outside

Chorus x2

_I really don't know what I can do to help myself at this point. All my life all I have ever done is tried to help myself through life but it's never been enough, it's never been enough to permanently stop the pain. Not enough to get rid of the voice painted on my memories, what's left of them at least. I don't want to let this go on but I don't know what I should do. Should I ask the team for help or Usagi? Should I really trust them all with it. What if they think I'm pathetic, for being scared of such things when I'm usually the strongest? What if they don't understand? Maybe it **is **safer for me to keep it all to myself, for me to keep it inside. It may kill me but so will the mocking of how weak I am. _

_So I guess I have to go back to how I used to be. Hide my pain behind an emotionless façade, not talking to anyone and keeping my distance. It's best if I want to keep these problems a secret. As much as I want to keep it all a secret…a part of me wishes they'd find out, they'd know how much I'm hurting and maybe they'll understand and try to help. But the other part of me knows they'll never understand. _

_So like every thing in my life, I'm forced into this. Forced to make the decision that will hurt me if he I take it all on my own. I have to give it a shot, I have to try and sort it out by myself. I'm just scared; scared because I don't know how I'll sort it out. _


End file.
